Optimism in childhood and beyond

Posted on 23. Sep, 2009 by Julia Barnard in Articles, optimism

Optimism is a way of thinking about the world. It is a great way of coping with life’s difficulties and challenges. Fortunately it is something we can all learn at any stage of life. However teaching it to your children now means they will see immediate benefits and it is something they can take into the future.

An optimist expects to get the best out of life. As such they believe they will succeed. They are able to recognise their abilities and that they are capable of making things happen. So if a good thing happens once, they expect it to again. For instance, getting top marks in a test at school was down to the hard work they put in. They are good at maths and enjoy it. They don’t just say ‘oh it was a one off, I was just lucky’. Furthermore, they know that next time similar things will happen if they work hard.

Having optimism helps a person persist at a task. This is especially good for children developing their skills, whether in sport, music or school work they are struggling with. Rather than giving up declaring themselves a failure, they put the time and effort in. They can see a reason to continue and expect to do well. Research has shown that talent does not come for free. Long hours of practise and self-belief are vital.

Importantly, an optimist is able to bounce back from disappointments. They don’t take failures to heart. Instead such experiences are seen as a chance to learn about themselves and to reflect on how they can do better next time. Also, when things go wrong they don’t let them seep into other areas of life. Not being picked for the soccer team does not mean they are a failure as a person. Perhaps they did not put the work in or the other players were better. It does not mean they are good at absolutely nothing, so why bother trying again, at anything.

In fact, this is how a pessimist thinks. If they do well, they may see it as a chance happening. As such they have nothing to build on so are less likely to repeat the experience. So for example, the pessimistic child that does well in a test, underestimates the work they put in, declares that the test was easy or the teacher was being generous with their marks. They have put the success as being beyond their control, so how can they build on this for next time?

Optimism and pessimism are two different ways of thinking. It is important to emphasise that how you think has an impact on how you feel and ultimately behave. This should not be underestimated.

Long term benefits of being optimistic

If your child embraces optimism today, it will benefit them long term in a number of ways. They will be more able to manage stress and as a result will experience fewer stress-related health problems. They will be less likely to suffer from depression (both as a child and as an adult) and instead will experience greater feelings of control. Depression and stress are both on the increase in children. In addition, an optimistic child will ultimately achieve more as they are not afraid to give things a go or give up as soon as an obstacle comes their way, declaring themselves a failure. Overall, this will impact on how they do in school and ultimately how they do in the world.

Optimism and you

Are you an optimist? Can you appreciate the good things in your life and recognise the work you put in? When difficulties occur how do you usually respond? Do you have the courage to change and learn then try again, or do you generally just give up, declaring yourself a failure?

It’s never too late to become an optimist. It is definitely something you can learn. Being an optimist yourself, allows you to be a positive role model for your child. Not only that, but you personally will come to appreciate the benefits.

I have written other articles about optimism, however you can easily apply the following ideas to your own life.

How to increase optimism in your child

Success

Allow your child to enjoy their successes and to recognise the role they played in it. Optimists build on past successes, so being able to recognise the successes your child has had is important. Such experiences will continue to add up and they will take them into adulthood. When your child does something well, spend time talking to them about the things they did that brought about the success. Such conversations will enable your child to recognise that the good things in their life are not due to luck or chance; rather it is their own personal efforts. For example, your child has completed a jigsaw puzzle. Talk about the patience required, time spent quietly and even though they got frustrated at times, they didn’t give up. You don’t need to go overboard, just acknowledge the effort they made and how they went about it.

Be mindful of your appraisals. Focus on the specific task rather than evaluating them as a person. You did a good job tidying your room, rather than you are a tidy person. The second example puts the child in a position where they must always live up to the expectation of being a tidy person and to be otherwise is to be a failure.

Also, success will mean different things to different children. It is not just about getting straight As in everything and being captain of the football team. If your child is not academically minded, there’s no point demanding they come top of their class. Success for them could be about trying, continuing to put the effort in and seeing a small increase in their grades. It is about knowing they did their best and acknowledging this.

Although acknowledging success is important, creating successes that do not exist is not helpful or healthy. For example, I remember being told the story of the parent who asked a football coach to pretend their child was in the team, even though they weren’t picked. Disappointments are inevitable and children must learn how to cope with them. Besides, where’s the feel good factor in having something handed to you when you didn’t really earn it?

When things go wrong

As I’ve just mentioned, it is okay to have disappointments and challenges in life. However, what an optimist will do is meet them head on. They will learn from their mistakes and have the confidence to try again. Also, bad things do happen, but they do not always happen. It is also important to make sure that just because they didn’t do too well in one thing, this does not make them a failure in everything else. It’s easy to let a single incident mushroom and affect other areas of life.

When dealing with incidents, keep an eye out for the words you use as well as the words your child uses. In particular, the following: always, never, should and can’t.

I always fail.
You never do anything right.
You should have done better.
I can’t go back after what happened.

These are all or nothing terms that give little scope for recovery. If you always fail, how can you ever succeed? Also, what would be the point of trying again? The consequence of this is that they do not try again, so they do not succeed. Such thinking is not fair and should not be used. If your child uses these words, challenge them or reword them. For example, what do you mean you always fail? What about last week when you finally learnt to spell diarrhoea?

It is okay to spend time discussing what happened when things went wrong. Were there circumstances beyond their control? Is there something they could have done differently? Your child cannot expect to come top in a test if they did not study for it. Also, try to look for the silver lining. What good can be learnt from what happened? What positive action can be taken?

Finally, make sure your child knows how important they are and that you love them no matter what.

Strengths

Help your child recognise their strengths and abilities. It will give them confidence and boost their self-worth. We are all good at different things. As such, remember your child’s strengths may be very different to yours. Accept this and allow your child to engage in what they are good at and what they enjoy.

Make time to discuss on a weekly basis your child’s achievements and the effort they put in to bring it about. They do not have to be major things – small, positive accomplishments are also important.

Finally

Take a look at Happy Mails: Children’s Edition. Designed for children aged 7 to 12.

Tags: children, depression, happiness, health, optimism, pessimism, positive psychology, strengths, stress, work